Parodies R Us
by Sciens Mulier
Summary: Hermione and Ginny find that their lives change when fanfiction ...authors get ahold of them. They HATE fanfiction...Mostly...hints HG, RH parody. Forgot to add disclaimer! Not mine!


"Come on, Hermione," whined Lavendar, "Play with us."

"Yes, Hermione, play with us," Parvati said in slightly less whinier tones, "do."

Hermione wondered if she would offend her two roommates by pulling the curtains around her bed and covering her ears. "I'm doing homework," she said instead, supposing it would. Usually they were quite reasonable, really.

"You're always doing homework," Lavendar said. She crossed the room in a bound, grabbing the parchment covered in Hermione's neat, small writing.

"You'll smudge it," Hermione said nervously, "don't."

"It's dry, Hermione," Lavendar said. She tossed it back on the bed. "We're playing truth or dare."

"Why don't you have the other roommate do it?" asked Hermione, not bothering to think of her fourth roommate's name.

"She got hit by lightning in a freak accident. She's moved out."

"There hasn't been a storm in at least two weeks. She'd have had to have moved out ages ago."

"She did." Hermione paused, and chanced a glance up, noting the well-made bed, and the absence of trunk.

"Oh."

"But no fears, Ginny Weasley is moving in."

"Ginny? But she's not in our year."

"She's a genius, though."

Hermione paused at this. "Didn't she have to be tutored in one of her classes last year?"

"Yes," snickered Lavendar. "By Michael Corner."

"Oh."

"That doesn't make you jealous, does it? After all, her appearance here will surely attract the great Harry Potter's attention," Parvati said, grinning sneakily.

"Bully for her if it does. What does that have to do with me?"

"We know you like him, 'Mione."

"And how pray tell have you come to this conclusion?" Hermione asked mildly. She paused, and glanced at Lavendar suspiciously. "And why did you just call me 'Mione?"

"Firstly, because Hermione takes so long to say."

"You've been saying it for the past five years," Hermione said. "Why change it now, when you're used to calling me 'Hermione'?"

"Never you mind," Lavendar said. "Everyone ought to have a nickname."

"Whether they want one or not, I suppose."

Well, yes. _Anyway_," Parvati said, "secondly, we know you like Harry Potter because you are friends with him."

"Oh, yes, of course, I'm obviously attracted to him because he is my friend."

"Exactly!" Lavendar cried out triumphantly.

"He did save you from that troll in first year," Parvati pointed out.

"Please, let's leave sleeping trolls where they lie. Don't dredge that up."

"We've hit a nerve, I think," Lavendar whispered, elbowing Parvati.

Hermione snorted, wondering why they were acting so much more silly than usual. "And I suppose you forget I have _two_ male friends? Have you utterly left Ron out of the picture?" She blushed, and paused. She didn't know why she had blushed….

"Oooh, I told you she likes him, Parv," Lavendar said.

"Ron," she said, testing herself. She blushed. "Ron." She blushed again. "Ron." Again…

"Okay, so you like saying his name--"

"Look how she's blushing!"

Hermione shook her head, and frowned. "Anyway--R--he's my friend, too."

"Oh, 'Mione," Lavendar said, "it's perfectly normal to be attracted to two men at once."

Hermione snorted. "Are you two done? May I get back to my homework?"

"Come now, you're done."

"I'm not," Hermione said, continuously writing as she talked. "Don't you see the pile of books by me?"

"Oh, yes," Parvati said, "We can both see them, but don't you see what you're doing to yourself? You're distancing yourself from us, your dear roommates. You aren't spending time just having fun. You're turning into a crotchety old woman."

"I can foresee white hairs overtaking that brown… what shade of brown, would you say that is, Parv?"

"Well, Lav, I'd say chestnut, but she has that hint of red that fanfiction writers always write--"

"What did you say?" Hermione asked, her hand suddenly quite still.

"You're hair. It's a lovely chestnut--"

"No, the other thing."

"We're playing truth or dare?"

"No, no, no--about," she shuddered, "fanfiction."

"Oh, that. Well, if you heard it, why are you asking?"

She shook her head in disgust. "You don't understand. In Fanfiction, we have absolutely no choice what we may or may not do. It doesn't matter that I don't want to play truth or dare, or that I don't want to be called by a nickname, or that Ginny really is a year behind us. No matter what we say, no matter what we do, the fanfiction author controls our actions and words. In fact," she looked around suspiciously, "We may be in a fanfiction story now."

The two girls looked at each other, and then burst out laughing. "Really, 'Mione, you're a riot. You've been in amidst the books too long."

"No matter how hard I try to change events, I can't," Hermione went on. "I can't stop you from laughing, I can't tear myself from this bed until whoever is writing this lets me. I can't make you call me by my proper name--as you would, you know--I can't do anything. The writer very well maybe be forcing me to monologue at this very minute! I just _know_ we are in a fanfiction story, I _know_ we are."

"Right," Parvati said. Lavendar rolled her eyes.

"Oh, you roll your eyes now. Just wait. I bet that any second now, Ginny will walk in, and she will have long cinnamon-colored hair, past her knees, and a creamy complexion. Oh, I don't even want to LOOK at myself, I don't want to know what the," she shuddered, "_Author _did to me…"

"Don't be ridiculous," Parvati said, clutching her side in laughter. "You actually look decent today."

"And since when do you talk to me like that?" Hermione moaned.

Just then, Ginny walked in. She had obviously grown since Hermione had seen her last. She brushed a long strand of cinnamon-colored hair out of her eyes, and her creamy complexion furrowed in confusion.

"What's so funny?" she asked. She frowned. "And why is my hair so long?"

"Gin!" Lavendar cooed, "You're moving in!"

"I…am? Why?"

"Since you're a super-genius, you had to be moved up here with us. What have you done to yourself? You're gorgeous!"

"I… I…"

"Wow, 'Mione, you sure called that one. Look at her hair! You must have done the charms, eh, Hermione? You two gave each other beauty charms, didn't you?" It wasn't a question, and Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Yes, as those are obviously among the first spells we use," Hermione said. She glanced over at Ginny, taking in the other girl's confusion. "It's okay, Ginny," she soothed. "We're just in a fanfiction story."

"Not another one!" Ginny cried.

"The quickest way to get it over with is to go with the plot," Hermione said.

"And what exactly is the plot?"

"I think this is a romantic fanfiction. There have been too many mentions of Harry and Ron--" Hermione blushed. "And there I go again, I blush every time I say R--your brother's name."

"So I see," Ginny said. Lavendar and Parvati were still laughing.

"And they want to play…" Hermione shuddered. "Truth or dare."

"Not again!" Ginny cried.

"I know, I know…you'd think the fanfiction authors would think of something different…why would we play truth or dare all the time?"

"They don't give us time for homework, sometimes."

"And why not a wizard game? Surely they could invent one if they couldn't think of it…"

"Then we must play," Ginny said. She groaned. "And…."

"Yes. Probably make a fool out of ourselves, and end with one of us in the arms of a lover."

The two girls locked eyes and sighed.

"Err…Parv? Lav?" Hermione asked, grimacing at their shortened names. The two girls stopped laughing immediately.

"Let's play," Ginny said.

The four girls sat on the floor. Hermione's hair was long and beautiful, and really more wavy than frizzy--

"Hermione, your hair is growing," Ginny said warily.

"Let it be, Ginny, we can't do anything about it."

Ginny and Hermione both swept their hair back out of their eyes--

"You'd think I'd get my hair bobbed, or something, for a change," Hermione complained.

"At least you get more of a choice than me," Ginny grumbled. "Oh, for a pony-tail holder…"

As Parvati said, "I'll go first. Lav, truth or dare."

"Truth," giggled Lavendar.

"You love Seamus."

Lavendar giggled. "Ohh, Parv! True," she said, blushing.

"You're turn, Lav."

"Okay, truth or dare…Gin."

"Pick dare," Hermione whispered. "I don't think this is one of those fanfics where we talk about our feelings."

"Dare," Ginny said.

"I dare you to…to…to eat a whole bag of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans at once, without avoiding any flavors!" She tossed a bag that happened to be by her at Ginny, hitting her in her head and effectively knocking her out.

"Oh, dear, she's been made weak by the author, this time," Hermione said aloud.

"Huh?" Lavendar asked.

Suddenly a knock was heard on the door. Giggling, Parvati called out, "Who is it?"

"Erm," Harry voice said through the door. Hermione glanced at the unconscious Ginny, where a slow blush was creeping out onto her face. She sighed. "I wanted to talk to…Ginny…so I came here…" he sounded confused.

"What exactly are you doing here, Harry?" Hermione called. "You aren't supposed to be able to climb the steps."

"Why--" he paused. "How did I get to the--" he was cut off suddenly as the steps made a banging noise. Hermione pictured Harry sliding down, and the three girls winced as one when they heard his body collide with the floor. Hermione shook her head as Ginny came to.

"Okay…that's embarrassing," Ginny said. She took up the bag and dumped them all into her mouth, chewed them grumpily, and swallowed. "Okay, then, my turn?"

"Eww, Gin, how unladylike!"

"It was your dare, Lavendar. Now, then, my turn?"

"Yes," Lav and Parv said, slightly grumpily. "Hermione, I dare you to--sorry, I want to be back to normal. I dare you to go tell my brother your true feelings--that you love him, that is--and kiss him on the lips."

"Well, now we're getting somewhere," Hermione said.

"Ooooooooooooooh, 'Mione," Lav and Parv chanted.

"Get us out of this nightmare," Ginny whispered.

Hermione took a deep breath, and stood.

Together, since "Lav" and "Parv" couldn't bear to miss the dare, the four girls entered the common room.

"How did we get down here?" Ginny asked, as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "I thought we were in your--our room?"

"Honestly, how do you think?" Parvati said. "We used the stairs!"

"The …_author_…must have skipped ahead in time, so we could get on with the dare," Hermione said. "This is an impatient one." They stepped over Harry's unconscious body, Ginny's stolid face blushing as they did so, and walked to the middle of the room, where Ron stood talking to Seamus and Dean. He seemed oddly unaware of the state of Harry's condition. Hermione rolled her eyes at the whole mess.

"Hey, 'Mione," he said casually.

"Ron," she said. She blushed, and cursed Fanfiction and all of its authors silently. "I love you; you love me; yada yada yada." His jaw dropped open, and she reached up as far as she could, as he had grown several inches since the day before, and grabbed his face. She pulled him down toward her and planted a huge kiss on his lips. He struggled a bit at first, then kissed her back.

Hermione kept kissing Ron, amongst the jitters and cat calls in the room, waiting for the story to end. She was kissing him, she kept kissing him, and yet she was still there…Ginny's hair was still cinnamon-y, Lavendar and Parvati were still giggling and blathering like idiots. She reached up and patted her own hair; hers was still wavy, not frizzy, and long.

"Keep kissing him, its not working," Ginny whispered.

She did. It was not unpleasant, at least, as Fanfiction author's tended to allow Ron some experience or at least natural talent. Soon, the room grew silent as everyone watched Hermione and Ron. She spun him around, looking over his bent back at Ginny, her eyes wide. Ginny stared back.

"I don't know what to say," she said. 'Lav' and 'Parv' were yawning. "I'm starting to feel sick watching you two, though."

"Mrm erm brmb eck."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you are saying."

"Kss Hrry."

"You seem to have lost your vowels," Ginny said, swishing her hair behind her shoulders. "Besides, he's out for the count right now. I don't know where else this story is going…"

"Erm," a voice said groggily. Harry appeared next to Ginny, rubbing his head. "Ginny--err, why is Ron kissing Hermione?"

Ginny looked over at Hermione, and nodded. They both knew what had to be done, now.

"Harry, I love you. Kiss me," she said blandly. Harry brightened. "Okay," he said, still rubbing his head. And so he did, quite fully, sweeping her backwards. Hermione almost smiled, watching as Ginny's eyes brightened, just before the dreaded blush was painted on her cheeks by the…author. Both girls closed their eyes…

Hermione sat in her room, doing her homework, when a knock at the door called her attention. Ginny poked her thin face in, her carrot-y hair limply framing her face. She had a wicked look in her eye.

"That was almost enjoyable," she said, entering the empty room fully.

"Yes, I know," Hermione said. "If only some of these fan fiction…writers would let us enter the relationships normally, I'd be happy to be kissed like that any day." She ran a hand through her thick, frizzy hair. "Of course, I'm busy with homework now."

"Where are Lavendar and Parvati?"

"They went to visit Trelawny," Hermione sniffed.

"Good. I think I might have killed them if we had stayed in that story too long."

"I'm glad we're able to get out of those stories quickly enough," Hermione said. "If I had heard the name "Mione" one more time, I may have killed everyone else."

"Well, I'll leave you to your homework, then, Hermione," Ginny laughed. "I want to go practice a new hex I learned from Fred. I got Harry and Ron to volunteer for me…"

Hermione watched as Ginny closed the door. She was glad that no one else remembered what had happened beside her and Ginny. She was glad that things had reverted to what they normally were.

She glanced across the room; there, on the top of her chest, sat the latest horrible bottle of perfume Ron had given her for her birthday. She smiled.

Sometimes, fanfiction wasn't so bad.

And maybe someday, the authors of all the fanfictions would find relief in what was real.


End file.
